Caleb-Year 12

Today, August 9, 2009, my Caleb would have been 12 years old.  By now, most of you have read the story on this page about my Son's death and once again it is that time of year.  I've done away with the little rituals I used to do, such as lighting a candle in front of his picture.  I can't bring myself to go to the cemetary which I'm sure many of you find appalling, but I just can't.  I used to lay at his grave and talk to him for a very long time and I'm not sure what happened but now I just can't go.  So, I think of him.  I remember his small little quirks like how he used to just stare into people's eyes when they held him.  It was a deep and understanding stare.  I remember how just before he died, he opened his eyes and looked into mine for a good 30 seconds before he drew his last shallow breath.

Today, I am trying to get myself to do some work although I know that is probably futile.  What am I to do?  Write to my editors and say "Look, my baby died 12 years ago today, so I just don't want to work!"  Hmmm, no, I can't see myself doing that. 

I had my Grand children over very recently.  I know when they get on my nerves, as children do, sometimes, I only have to think of Caleb and my frustrations subside just a bit.  Today, Caleb would be becoming a young man and I wonder what he would look like, what his personality would be and so much more. 

Happy Birthday, Angel Man.  We'll see each other again some day.